Creating Life

Sometimes I think that what is harder than a negative pregnancy test or a period that comes are the days in between.  How many times can I count the days in my cycle.  I mean seriously I have been known to look at the calendar or count on my fingers several times in one - like it is going to change.

I get so anxious for the “testing time” to arrive.  This month I don’t get the shot because the shot day falls on Thanksgiving.  So hopefully I will ovulate all on my own.  We actually got pregnant with Hunter on our own after my surgery so I know that I can do it.  Maybe it will be this month, just have to WAIT and see…

Sorry it has been so long since I posted.  I was sad, busy and well just plain neglectful to this blog.

As you recall I was supposed to take a pregnancy test on Monday, not one day before.  I was sticking to it.  Friday night and Saturday morning I kept feeling like my breast were a little tender.  I remember this happening fast when I was pregnant with Hunter so I was, I must say, a little secretly hopeful.  However, I have since concluded that my breast were tender because I kept feeling of them to see if they were tender.  I mean seriously I was a walking soft core porn!!!

Alas on Saturday afternoon I started my period.  I will admit that it hit me a lot harder than I had expected.  I cried off an on through out the day.  Got a little heavy in the wine at a friends “girls wine night” but I have recovered.  I have a precious little boy, a wonderful, supportive husband and the best family and friends (real and bloggy) that a girl could ask for, thus I am very thankful!!!

So stay tuned we are trying again this month!

Oh my goodness the waiting.  It is Thursday.  So, essentially I have 4 more sleeps (4 times of going to bed and getting up) before I can take a pregnancy test.  Well today I went ahead and bought a package of 3.  I was already at Walgreen’s to buy a humidifier for Hunter’s room.  He has a snotty nose and a little bit of a cough and since they scare you to death about medicine for little ones I decided to try this.

Anyhoo, now I have pregnancy tests burning a hole in my bathroom cabinet.  Seriously, what was I thinking.  I mean I have the will power of a 2 year old.  But I know that if I take that test and it is positive and it turns out it is a false positive I will be sad.  I am going to hold off, I know I can, I know I can!

I can still remember taking pregnancy tests almost monthly for the 18 months before we found out that I would have to have a little surgery to conceive.  In the beginning, I was still in mixed emotions, was I sad or relieved that the test was negative.  I really wasn’t sure.  We were newlyweds but not spring chickens so I was not sure how to feel.

Towards the  end of those 18 months it was definitely sadness.  There were months that I just knew I was pregnant.  Of course, I would learn conceiving then was impossible but until I knew that the hope was there.

Then I hit a stretch where I stopped being able to visualize myself as a Mother.  I could no longer see a growing family in my minds eye.  That was scary.  For as long as I can remember I had planned on some day being a Mom.  Even after we found the problem and had hopefully fixed it, I still found myself burdoned with these huge doubts that pregnancy would happen.  Of course it did and I now have a beautiful, happy, smart, wonderful, energetic toddler in my life.

I bring this up because now I am kind of there again.  On Monday I am to take a pregnancy test.  I do want to be pregnant, I want to give Hunter a sibling, I want my family to grow.  I know that the sadness if it is negative will not be the same because I do have Hunter but I know that it will be there.  However, this time around I not only have the wonderful Husband to help me, I have a wonderful son as well…

Let’s hope that my neglect to my second blog is not an indication of how I will treat a second child should God choose to bless me with one!!!

As I stated in my previous post written in what now seem like 10 years ago, I took the Clomid like medicine for 5 days and then on the 13th day of my cycle I went to the ferticlity clinic.

There was a follicle on the left side, I must admit that I had hoped maybe there was more than one follicle - not necessarily for twins sake (although I would be pleased) but just so there was more than one chance.  Anyhoo, I am happy there was one.

I then recieved a shot of HSG to force ovulation.  Our instructions were to have relations for the next 3 nights. You know having to have sex on demand is not the romantic thing.  On top of that the HSG shot made me crampy and I had a sinus infection.  Oh well, you do what you must…

So, I leave you with a picture of my son, and ask for your prayers and good wishes that he gets a sibling.  I take a pregnancy test 1 week from today…